Image: ©2019 Emelina Spinelli —

I remember when just months ago I would wake up with anxiety (my old not so dear friend). I would have to calm myself down and tell myself everything was going to be okay between short breaths of paralyzing fear.

My solution? I would take 5 deep breaths with my hand on my heart, feeling my connection to myself and knowing that I can handle anything.

The trigger?

I needed to pay rent and wasn’t sure where the cash would come from to do so. Unfortunately, this survival based fear has been taunting me for almost a decade.

Fears usually come from a previous time in your life when you experienced something traumatic.

These fears weren’t random for me. They were a signature that I had come to recognize.

The fear came from a time when I was unexpectedly without a home. I was brought up in a home of domestic violence, and literally one day I found that I wasn’t sure about how I would live, or how I would provide a roof over my head. It was unexpected, and there was no warning to the situation. But in a fast turn around of events—I found myself homeless, abused, and not sure how to take care of myself. So, I did what I had to.

I relied on the kindness and generosity of others.

But unfortunately, even with the love and kindness of friends and strangers—the gripping fear sat in my subconscious running every thought and decision for nearly a decade.

Years later when things were going well for me, I felt that gripping fear again. Every morning I woke up and evening I went to bed, I would feel the gripping fear of being evicted from my apartment. Now, in the end I wasn’t evicted, but I had no idea how to consistently produce results and profit in my new business. I had no idea how I could guarantee that I could keep my home. I didn’t know how I was going to take care of my rent and myself.

I followed this thought-trail for about 2–3 years, until it led me to a place of sleeping out of the passenger side of an economy car on the streets of Brooklyn for months in the chilly spring that New York offers. I rode homeless shot-gun next to my boyfriend. We slept with sweaters on, and underneath a tightly-wrapped emergency blanket for warmth.

Are we seeing the trend? As I’m writing this it smacked me in the face. I received the loud realization that of course I kept creating circumstances where I only had temporary homes. Of course I became legitimately homeless—it was functioning in my deep subconscious for so long it was bound to happen. Deep down, I felt that I didn’t have a home, so my external environment kept reflecting this back to me until I decided to do something different.

My point in sharing these stories in my background, are to show you that our most undesirable current experiences usually stem from a traumatic event in our past.

If we don’t have the tools and resources to heal the events in the moment they occur or soon after—then they follow us and beg for attention through our fear thoughts. They ask for attention until we finally give them the healing and awareness they deserve.

Fear is an indication that there are experiences in our past that deserve healing & awareness in the present.

Make a Decision that You Can Change.

I knew that I had thought myself into the place of homelessness, and that I could think my way out. I made the choice to change. Through tremendous visualization, consuming positive uplifting Youtube content, motivational videos, audio books, and chanting positive affirmations until I was exhausted—I made the trek out of being homeless. Obviously I was working as well to earn money on the physical plane as well.

To emphasize, I was part of the “professional homeless” population. It’s not like I was sitting on my ass asking for a miracle and doing nothing. I was working full time both in retail and freelancing, and still couldn’t afford to jump out of the rat race for a moment and stock pile enough cash away for a deposit and an apartment. I would literally wake up in my broken-down car, walk 2 miles to the YMCA to shower, then take the train 50 minutes to work. I would listen to people at work complaining about their living situations, and I would never say anything. Quietly I was thinking you have no idea that I washed my hair at the YMCA today, but maybe if you did— you’d appreciate what you have more.

It’s not spoken about often, but there are thousands of professionals that are homeless living in New York City. They show up for their jobs, in the one or two good outfits they own, and even on $30k/year can’t make enough money to get anywhere or afford rent in arguably one of the most expensive cities in the world.

To move myself forward, I refused to believe that I would be homeless forever. I decided to make the mental and emotional change and begin the process of creating the feeling of “home” to me.

Change your perception of your old experiences.

Old brain patterns and experiences tend to reproduce themselves until we change our perception of the events and how we feel about them.

Thus, I’m not surprised that for almost a decade, I’ve felt the same gripping fear that I may not be able to make it all happen. That I may not be able to pay rent and run a successful business (even though for years I’ve proven that I can & do this daily). By all accounts, I’ve “made it”. I am completely financially successful and am incredibly happy with my current life. Irregardless of my success, for a decade, the feeling of not having a home has kept resurfacing.

In the last number of years, I’ve managed to run my life and business very successfully. And honestly for the last couple of years I don’t even know why I’m concerned because I’m always able to create what I need almost on demand, and I always have plenty of opportunity. My clients come to me easily, I have great relationships with them, and they tell other people to work with me. I have a very successful business, and am incredibly grateful for it.

I’ve been featured in big publications like The New York Times for my expertise and have worked with big corporations like Google. I’ve received so much success, and by most senses of the word, I’ve made it.

I know how to make money, how to attract it, how to add value to people’s lives and in exchange receive financial compensation, and more. Trust me, I get it.

What I don’t get is why some mornings I would feel the paralyzing fear of homelessness. I would open up my bank account, see thousands of dollars, and still assume that I would somehow by some act of God lose everything in my account before I have to pay for rent. Regardless of my success, and beautiful apartment in Los Angeles, I would still experience paralyzing fear around losing my home.

My mind would continue to spin and spin creating these paralyzing situations in the game of my imagination. It’s strange because I know that I’ll be able to pay rent, and I always do. And even now, when I make a substantial income—the fear still occasionally rears it’s head.

When these fears come up, it’s important to give them attention through meditation and journaling.

Just purely write everything on your mind regarding the event, what you wished happened, what you regret, how it went and how it’s still effecting you. Write all this out on paper or your computer.

The sheer act of writing brings awareness, attention and healing. This way you’re more emotionally resilient and can handle more of life’s challenges with grace and ease. The beauty of writing, is that you can change your perception of an event almost instantaneously.

Your emotional problems don’t usually go away with money.

When money comes in abundance, I’ve noticed that the old emotional paths stick around until we focus on letting them go and reprogramming our minds to think in a different more improved way.

Even though my financial situation is now predictable, successful and exceptional, my emotional issues stick around pretending that the money doesn’t even exist.

Reprogram your mind and your beliefs to think differently than how you used to.

There’s a famous Albert Einstein quote: “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

If you don’t like some of what you’re currently experiencing, then you have to change it. You have to think differently to create a new solution.

In my story, I started a new solution by visualizing what I want to be true.

  • If everything I did was guaranteed to be successful, what would that look like?
  • If there was no risk of failure what would that look like?
  • If I could create any situation for myself and dream it up & I would be successful, what would I dream?

I would create in my imagination what I’d like to happen. I would focus on visualizing this new solution and feeling it in my heart (by placing my hand on my heart).

I visualized every single day what I desired my new reality to be.

My external reality changed as a result of my new way of being.

This happened because I started taking consistent new actions and pursuing new physical solutions. Just visualizing alone gave the inspiration for new actions that I hadn’t ever done, and gave me awareness to be honest with myself and my situation and how to actually change it.

Once I received the personal insight, I discovered better solutions to my problems, and then took massive action to move forward.

Fear and anxiety are an indication you’re on the right path.

As I sit here writing this in my beautiful condo in West Hollywood, it feels like my homeless days are far behind me.

Even with all this work, for me, there would always be this lingering feeling of anxiety. The anxiety was steady, I knew it would show up and was always an indication that I was on the right path. If the anxiety came up, well I knew that I wasn’t “playing it safe” and I was in the playground of change. This is something the rational reptilian mind doesn’t take well to: change.

The reptilian mind’s response to change? Anxiety and fear. This part of the mind figures that if you feel the fear, you’ll retreat back to safety. No movement, no change, always safe.

The paradox is that we have to change. Change is actually the only constant we can possibly rely on. Well, that and the nagging sense of fear whenever the threat or opportunity of change approaches.

Feel the fear, and do it anyway.

Set some time aside to write out your fears. Just in writing them, you may even find that they don’t hold much credit in your current reality. As I write this article, it’s a gentle reminder that I have a little more healing to do here.

I’ll invest some time into meditating, going to Kundalini yoga, and journaling to work out my thought and feelings. Then, I can create a new idea of what the future looks like for me.

Right now, I’m in-visioning an existence in my home where I truly feel at home. I feel completely safe and secure, knowing that I am the creator and the provider of all of my needs.

Although the homelessness fears once held truth for me, now they are a shadow of the past that I’ve worked hard to change. The fear has come to be a reminder for me. It’s a reminder of all the healing and work I’ve done to change my life for better.

Rather than acknowledge it as fear of the future, I greet my thoughts of fear with love and gratitude. After all, these fearful thoughts are showing me just how far I’ve come.

Move forward with confidence and conviction knowing that you’ve already accomplished what you’re seeking.

Remind yourself that you can handle anything life places in your path. You can embrace any challenges with grace and ease. You are fully capable of moving forward confidently knowing that you are the type of person that does the self-healing. You are the type of person that doesn’t cringe at fear, but greets it with love and gratitude.

You are the change. Now go move forward and create your new reality.

You are capable of changing your past into a beautiful future that you dream and imagine into existence.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Do you come across fear in your day to day? How do you handle it?

Let me know in the comments.